It’s not that I want this to be a mommy blog. It’s just that I’m a human who didn’t want children but now I’m a week away from having my first child. The mind-warp that happens during this time is intense, and it’s what I have to write about.
Some women need more hobbies. They enjoy talking about the gross and painful things that come with being a new mom, and sometimes I let their anecdotes send me into a downward spiral that hazes over the mystery and hope that should come with this time in my life.
My counsellor asked me today, “What’s your mantra?”
I don’t have one.
She explained that our mantras shape how we see our lives and invite more of that essence. I remember in college I said a lot “That was wild.” And it was. I guess it had been my mantra.
I like to think back on that time and embrace how I had a more roller-coastery experience than many of my peers. More bold, more daring, more exploration. I found ways into secret libraries of 400 year old books, climbed on the roof of buildings throughout campus, and found tunnels underground that led to dormitory bathrooms, power plants, and most importantly the dining hall. (Pro-tip: dining halls have champagne in the faculty fridges.) That was just the stuff that didn’t involve substances or travel. It’s all the proof I need that our mantras have power.
Here’s the mantra I want to shape my current phase: I am having a beautiful pregnancy surrounded by love and deep human connection. I am still independent, physically and mentally, even though people said I wouldn’t be at this point. I didn’t want the outcomes they predicted, so the opposite has happened. I pursue my interests aggressively. Adventure only stops with children for people who expect it to, and we desire and embrace constant adventure ahead.
And my life is going to stay so interesting that I have a lot of things to talk about other than the gross stuff that happens when you have a kid.
That’s a long mantra. I’ll boil it down to something more simple with time, but it’s what I want.